


Hello, Goodbye

by FilmEater



Series: Chance Encounters [9]
Category: Actor RPF, British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 10:45:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2147817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FilmEater/pseuds/FilmEater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack makes an appearance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hello, Goodbye

Kensington Gardens were one of her favorite places in London. She went there often, pushing Lia in her pram. She walked the paths and watched the runners, the dog owners, the tourists, the people who were just walking through because it was the quickest way from point A to point B. Never in all her visits to the gardens, was Ella more nervous than she was now. She was grateful for the pram to push because it kept her hands busy. Otherwise, she was sure, they’d be shaking. Every bone in her body screamed this was a terrible idea. Every muscle knew that it was the right thing to do. She kept walking. To the pond. To find a bench. To wait.

When she found an empty bench she sat down, tapped a quick text message: _I’m at the pond, a bench on the side of the bandstand._

Lia was asleep, tucked into her knitted jumper, underneath a blanket. Ella was wrapped up in almost as many layers – the English winter, she discovered, was colder the longer she stuck around for it. She waited, watching the people pass on the paths close by and those further away. There was nothing left to do but watch and wait.

She turned his way the moment he appeared up the path. Jeans, a sweater, a jacket, a black beanie hat. He was just as she’d remembered him. She watched him walk towards her and tried to remember how to breathe. Ella stood up when he came closer. They looked at each other for a moment, and then she had her arms wrapped around his shoulders, standing on tip-toes to reach, and his hands were on the small of her back. He even smelled the same.

“Hi,” Jack said.

“Hi,” she replied.

They sat down, enough space on the bench between them to seat the proverbial elephant in the room.

“What’s her name then?” he asked, nodding towards Lia.

“Amelia.”

“How’s that working out for you?” he took out a pack of Marlboros, took out a cigarette, lit it, keeping it away from the pram.

Ella shrugged, “I haven’t broken her yet.” He nodded, as if he expected nothing less. “How have you been?” she asked.

“Oh you know, same old,” she knew his answer before he even said it. It never changed. She wanted to scream at him that she didn’t know, that he never said anything more than that. But she didn’t. Because, even after all this time, she _did_ know. Same old. Same old girlfriend. Same old job. Same old… existing. It felt to her he existed rather than lived. She was the same when they’d met. Kindred souls, it seemed to her at the time. Together, they could live. But they weren’t together. And she found, with a certain level of surprise, that she could live without him.

“I’m sorry,” she said. He frowned, took a long drag of his cigarette.

They talked for a while, mostly about nothing, but not entirely. The silences started stretching longer, and he started glancing at his watch. They walked together to the gate, crossed the street, walked into the tube station. Standing together in the packed wagon, she imagined a world where the baby in the pram belonged to the man pressed against her back. It wasn’t a bad world to imagine. She’d spent a long time wishing for it. She turned, found herself faced with his Adam’s apple. Looked up.

“Jack.”

He looked down, his grey-ish green eyes met hers. She opened her mouth but couldn’t think of anything to say. Swallowed against the lump in her throat. He just nodded.

The train stopped, people got off, others got in. Ella and Jack stood oblivious to it all, staring at each other, breathing and blinking. Absentmindedly, Ella was rocking the pram, where Lia was chattering to herself.

“I get off now,” Ella said when the train was slowing down again after a few minutes.

“Take care,” he said.

“You, too,” she moved, reaching a hand to his face, but stopped mid-motion and put it back at her side.

The train stopped, Ella turned and pushed the pram off the wagon, following it. The doors closed behind her. She changed lines. A new train. Alone this time. She concentrated on breathing, but it wasn’t going too well. The doors opened, closed, opened, closed again. The next time they opened she went through them and up to the street.

The rain shouldn’t have surprised her, but it did. She pulled up the head cover on the pram, fastened the nylon protection, took out her own umbrella and walked out into the street. She had only gone up this road twice before, but she knew the way. Within five minutes, she was standing at the stage door of the theatre. She got as far as inside the door before someone stopped her, told her she had to leave.

“Can you get Tom for me please?” she asked.

“I’m sorry ma’am, you’re gonna have to leave,” said the girl behind a small reception desk.

“Wait,” Ella said. “Just wait a minute.” She dug into her purse, took out her phone, dialed a number.

“Hey,” his voice on the other end of the line made her heart stop for a moment.

When it picked up again, she said “Hey, I’m here at the stage door but they won’t let me through. Can you come get me?”

“Of course! I’ll be right there.”

There was a sense of satisfaction in having Tom show up and usher her in, watching the look on the girl’s face. There was a sense of satisfaction, but it faded in comparison to the relief of seeing Tom. The moment he walked through the door, she could breathe again. For the first time since she’d laid eyes on Jack in the park, she could breathe again.

“What’s wrong?” he asked once the door closed behind them. The hallway was deserted. Ella didn’t answer, she just hugged him tight, burying her face in his chest. After a moment, she felt his arms wrap around her.

“I saw Jack,” she said into his chest. Tom went completely still. After a heartbeat, he took a step back, right into the door.

“The fuck, Ella?” the angry triangle of creases has appeared right above his nose, between his eyebrows. She opened her mouth to speak but he was faster, “You lose your shit over some fucking photos that were taken completely out of context, but then you can go and do this?” he didn’t raise his voice, which scared her more than if he had.

“It wasn’t like that,” the tears were in her eyes before she could control them. She took a breath. In another moment her voice would break, and this was no way to carry out a conversation.

“It wasn’t like that in the photos, either.” He ran a hand through his hair. A heartbeat. He did it again.

“I just… I needed to see.”

“To see what?”

“To see what it feels like.”

“And what did it feel like?” the venom in his voice stung, she tried to ignore it.

“Empty,” she said.

“Empty,” he echoed.

“Yeah. Like… I don’t know,” she sighed, wringed the edge of her jumper. “I don’t know. Okay? He made me feel hollow. Sucked the air out of me.”

“So you came here,” it wasn’t exactly a statement, nor entirely a question.

Ella’s shoulders slumped, “I can breathe when you’re around,” she whispered.

His expression softened, “Will you see him again?”

She shook her head. There was nothing left. Nothing left to see. Nothing left to say. They’d said their goodbyes so many times. This time, she knew, they said it for real. The thought saddened her more than she’d expected.

“C’mon, we can’t keep standing here,” he passed by her, leaned to pick up Lia from the pram. “Hello baby girl,” he smiled and cooed at her, lifting her up, setting her against his chest. Ella followed, pushing the now-empty pram behind them. She watched the muscles on his back move as he adjusted his hold on the baby. Knew he was frowning again, even if she couldn’t see his face. She searched for the words to say to make it better, but couldn’t find them.

The room he led her to had a few people inside, sitting around a table set up for lunch. She knew them all, they were all part of the cast and production of the show. All except one.

“Doctor!”

The word was out of her mouth before she could control it. The man turned to her, a bright smile on his face.

“Shit, sorry, I meant David,” she tried to repair the damage.

“Oh don’t be ridiculous!” he grinned. Ella couldn’t help it, she grinned back. Off to her side, she heard Tom groan. “He’s a nonbeliever,” David said in a mock-whisper.

“I know, it’s terrible,” she rolled her eyes in exasperation.

“It’s bad enough you named my child after fucking companions,” Tom muttered.

“You didn’t!” David exclaimed. Ella blushed scarlet from head to toe. Everyone was staring at her, including Tom. He was enjoying this.

“I named her after my grandparents,” She said weakly. 

“Amelia Rose,” Tom said. Ella turned even redder than before. The Dr. Who connection of her daughter’s name was pure coincidence, although not an unfortunate one to her. She was named Amelia after a grandfather called Emil, and Rose after a grandmother of the same name. Not that anyone’s gonna believe her now.

“Shut up,” Ella turned to Tom, “It’s better than Amelia Pond.”

“Thank fuck for that,” he agreed, finally sitting down in the seat he vacated just a few minutes earlier to go get her from the reception. Ella found a chair, pulled it up to sit next to him. For the remaining of the meal, Tom made a point of embarrassing Ella in front of David as much as he could. He stuck to the little things, but he enjoyed watching her squirm. She knew what it was. Vengeance. She took it as gracefully as she could, and then she managed to turn the tables, and he was the one blushing in embarrassment.

When they were filing out of the room, getting ready for the evening show, he put his arm around her shoulder, pulled her close, placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. The tension left Ella’s shoulders. She was forgiven.

“Tom?” he was leading her to his dressing room just a few doors down. Lia was fussing in Ella’s arms, hungry.

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You can see whoever you want,” his tone was oddly neutral.

She shook her head, “I just needed to say goodbye.”

“Is it over now? Really over?”

“It was over a long time ago.”

He opened the door to his dressing room, followed her in, closed it, “Then why?”

Ella shrugged, “I told you.”

“Fuck Ella, when you walked through that door you looked like somebody died,” he ran his fingers through his hair again.

Somebody did. The words died on her tongue before she could say them out loud. How could she ever explain it? An entire world of possibilities died. A part of her still wept for it. A bigger part was too busy, consumed not with possibilities but with reality. With the baby in her arms, with the man standing next to her.

She sat on the small sofa, held Lia with one arm against her chest while she reached for a bottle from the bag swung around the handles of the pram. She fiddled with the zipper until Tom realized what she was doing and helped her, opening the zipper and taking the bottle out.

“I’ll go warm it up,” he said.

Ella rocked the baby in her arms, staring at her. Her eyes filled with tears again and although she blinked them away, some managed to escape. Today was not going the way she expected. It didn’t surprised her, nothing ever went as expected, but that didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

She looked up when Tom came into the room again.

“Shit, Ella,” he reached for Lia, nestled her in the crook of his arm, sat down next to Ella and put the bottle in Lia’s mouth. He managed to hold it up with the same hand he was holding Lia with. Ella couldn’t manage this trick anymore. Her hands just weren’t long enough. Tom wrapped his free arm around her, pulled her close.

“Why are you crying?”

“I love you,” she said.

“I’m confused,”

She laughed through the tears. “I don’t have to make sense.”

“But it would be so much easier if you did,” he ran his fingers up and down her neck, barely touching, sending shivers down her spine. She rested her head against his shoulder, watched as their daughter ate. Listened to the sound of Tom’s breathing, his heart beating, the soft sucking sound Lia made. After a while, she spoke into the silence: “If you ask me again, I’ll say yes.”


End file.
